Facebook

Several years ago, I joined Facebook ... as most people did! For me, it was a place I could connect with old friends and have a little fun, too! Until now ...

As we all know, many of our "Facebook friends" are not people that we talk to every day. In fact, in most cases, they are people we haven't spoken to in years. For me, though, my "Facebook friends" are people that have touched my life in some special way and people I have chosen to continue to share my life with ... at this point, I am more grateful for these connections than I ever have been!

The decision to share this news on Facebook was a very difficult one. Now that I have, though, I feel so amazingly blessed by the outpouring of prayers and support! So, for me, Facebook is no longer just a place to play ... it is a source of strength ... a place where I can be reminded of the amazing friends I have in my life and how very, very blessed I truly am!

So, to all of my "Facebook friends" ... thank you, from the bottom of my heart!

Cheers!

First things first ... I am NOT puking ... I actually feel pretty darn good!  Aside from getting very little sleep last night ... I have not one complaint!  The big question is WHY?  Of course, I am on some SERIOUS anti-nausea medication ... so that could be the main factor ... OR ... I could give the credit to the Corona I drank last night ...

I choose the beer ... and here's the story ...

Yesterday, before I left, my wonderful neighbors gave me a bag FULL of goodies.  As I was digging through it, I noticed a Corona in the pocket ... and, of course, I was intrigued ... I mean we do have LOTS of fun on Redbud Terrace, but BEER after CHEMO ... I just didn't get it! 

Well, one of my neighbor's mom's friends, Raye, was diagnosed with breast cancer several years ago.  She was told to drink a Corona after her first treatment of chemotherapy ... it apparently curbs the side effects ... so she did, and it worked!  Raye shared her experience with her doctor and, a few years later, she, too, was diagnosed.  After her doctor's first treatment ... she also drank a Corona ... and it WORKED!  She made a point to call Raye and share her excitement!

So, last night ... I raised my glass, in honor of taking this first BIG step to becoming CANCER-FREE ... and, of course, in hopes of having a few less side effects ...

Cheers ...

One Down ... Seven To Go

First, I will start by saying ... I feel so, so relieved!  This day is finally behind me and it feels AMAZING!

My day began just like any other ... getting the kids up, ready, and off to school.  Then, Scott and I headed to Emory for my first infusion.  Honestly, every fiber in my body was absolutely dreading it ... and it made for a tearful trip to the hospital.  But, as I have said before, every time I step through those doors ... I feel at peace ... I feel like I fit in ... and, most importantly, as I pass the hundreds of men and women in that building ... fighting cancer ... I know, with everything that I am, that I can fight, too ... and WIN!  Today wasn't any different!

We arrived at 10:00 sharp ... first, I had to have my blood drawn to ensure that my body was fit for treatment.  Next, a visit with my doctor and, finally, off to the infusion center for chemotherapy.  Although the day was very long, I had my amazing husband by my side from start to finish as well as a couple of very special visitors throughout the day ... and, really ... it wasn't that bad ...

The infusion began at about 2:00, with anti-nausea medication for 20 minutes.  Then, fluids to flush my kidneys for an hour ... Cisplatin, the chemotherapy medication, for two hours ... and, finally, more fluids for almost two hours ... for a GRAND TOTAL of around 5 1/2 hours!  Round 1 ... DONE ...

Me & My Chair

The GOOD Stuff

Thank you all, so very much, for the many sweet gifts I have been given over the past couple of days ... for the incredibly thoughtful texts, emails, and cards.  And, more than anything, for your prayers ... they are absolutely working ... I am on my way to CANCER-FREE and was able to find peace in taking that first BIG step today.  Thank you!

I will leave you each with a quote I read this morning, just before my infusion ...

"Cancer may rob you of that blissful ignorance that once lead you to believe that tomorrow stretched forever.  In exchange, you are granted the vision to see each day as precious, a gift to be used wisely and richly.  No one can take that away."

-Anonymous

Today was a gift ... from God ... and I am so grateful for it ...

Here's to many, many, many more ...

Big Girl Panties

This afternoon, Scott practically forced me out of my pity party and onto the pavement for a breath of fresh air and some exercise ... it did me very well!  Although I am still quite anxious about tomorrow and the days that follow, I am ready to put on my BIG GIRL PANTIES and FIGHT LIKE A GIRL!

As always, thank you all for your love and support ... without you, I would be lost ...

Now, let's KICK SOME CANCER ASS ...

Bring on tomorrow ...

Punishment

The anticipation of tomorrow is killing me ... I absolutely DO NOT want to go!  I feel like I am being punished ... and I have no idea what I have done wrong ... I just don't deserve this!  It really pisses me off!

Somehow, though, I MUST find the strength to fight ... to believe in my doctors ... to trust in the medicine ... to have the faith to overcome my many fears!  Now, more than ever, I need your prayers ...

Lately, this quote has been lingering in my mind ... just as it did a little over a month ago when I was feeling completely overwhelmed ...

"Whether you think you can, or you think you can't - you're right."
-Henry Ford

I CAN and I WILL ... it all starts tomorrow ...

Stable

Yesterday's PET scan results are in ... GOOD NEWS ... everything is stable!

From what I understand, these results were compared to those from my previous scan four weeks ago.  Although measurements of the actual tumor were not reported, there is no indication of the spread of cancer ... nothing in the lymph nodes or elsewhere in my body.

Hopefully, when we see Dr. O'Regan and Kate on Thursday, they can further explain the results and what they mean in terms of the overall outcome, if anything.

Here's to Thursday ...

Unique Wigs

With my first treatment just around the corner, I had to find something to lift my spirits ... at least a little!  So, this morning, my mom and I headed to Unique Wigs in Roswell to do some shopping.  We had a great time ...

As we entered the store, we were greeted by LOTS of strange looking heads full of hair ... and then Tommie, the store owner.  She was very friendly and extremely helpful!  Of course, we both tried on few wigs ... and, honestly, I was amazed at the look and feel of them ... so real!

Initially, I was thinking I would purchase something that looked very much like my current cut, color, and style ... NOT SO!  I didn't go crazy, but I did choose something a little different ... and I LOVE IT ...

Although I am not looking forward to losing my hair, this makes it a little less difficult ... especially when I can replace it with long, thick, beautiful hair!  And, Maddie approves ... which is a HUGE relief ... I think she actually likes it!  

Thank you to my wonderful mom for sharing this day with me ... and to Tommie for all of the help and encouragement ...

Me & Tommie

Here's to embracing bald ... and making the most of this time of my life ...

Scott

As you all probably already know, this journey has brought more sadness into my life than I thought I would ever experience.  In my darkest of moments, one person has been there to lift me up ... and I cannot express, in words, how amazingly thankful I am to have him in my life ...

For those of you that don't know our story, Scott and I met over 20 years ago ... in the 8th grade.  We were introduced by a mutual friend, went to the movies a time or two, and then went our separate ways during our high school years.  Just after our freshman year of college, in August of 1996, we crossed paths again ... and have been together ever since.  Now, a little over 15 years later, we have created a beautiful life together ... and I cannot thank God enough for bringing Scott to me ...

So, this song is a dedication to my husband ... without whom I could never find the strength to fight this fight ...

Josh Groban - You Raise Me Up

Progress

After a week away, a few things have changed regarding the progress of my treatment ...

While we were on vacation, I finished taking the steroids ... which eliminated the rash completely, thank goodness!  On Wednesday evening, I restarted Sorafenib.  At first, I was ordered to take only half of the original dose, but have since been asked to increase to 400 mg PO BID ... orally, twice daily ... which is full dose.  According to Dr. O'Regan, there have been patients in the past that have had a significant rash, have temporarily stopped treatment, and once they restart ... they don't have the same side effect response.  At this point, almost 4 days later, I have absolutely no itching, no rash, no tender scalp, no numb tongue, no sore feet ... KNOCK ON WOOD! 

Tomorrow, I will have my second PET scan.  This will determine the effectiveness of the oral medication before the start of chemotherapy.  Of course, I will continue taking Sorafenib for the duration of my treatment ... and, from what I understand, it is not uncommon to see very little, if any, change in tumor size within the first month.  I have to admit, though, I would be THRILLED if we actually see SHRINKAGE!

On Thursday, I will be chair bound for seven long hours while I receive my first infusion.  Obviously, I am NOT looking forward to it ... or how I will likely feel afterward.  However, I am looking to the future and hoping that this medication will lead me to a life without cancer ... and to many, many, many years of happiness ...

Here's to a GOOD chance of beating this ... and to finding the strength to make it happen ...

Back to Reality

As I reflect on this past week ... I think of the many thoughts that crossed my mind, over and over again ... the fears that I couldn't escape, even sitting with my feet in the sand and the waves crashing in front of me ...

Here they are, in no particular order ...

1.  Treatment and side effects ... feeling sick and being bald, among others ...
2.  Embarrassing Maddie ... and Andrew ...
3.  Dying ...
4.  Dying and Scott loving someone else ...
5.  My children being raised by another woman ...
6.  Missing the opportunity to raise my children and watch them grow ... sports, proms, weddings, grandchildren ... all the things I have wanted to be a part of more than anything in life ...
7.  My children growing up without a mom and my husband without a wife ... and the memory of me fading over time ...
8.  Never growing old with Scott, on the lake ...
9.  My parents being childless ...
10.  Living in fear ...
11.  Never finding true happiness again ...
12.  Being forgotten ...

This list could go on forever ...

I do realize that my chances of beating this are good, but it simply isn't enough to suppress my fears.  I wish it were ... more than anything ... I wish I knew how to focus on the positive, every day!  I am trying ... with everything that I am ...

What I do know, in my heart, is that fear and faith cannot coexist ... I remind myself each and every day.  I am putting my faith in God and praying that He can bring me the strength I need to lock these terrible thoughts away ... forever!

This past week was much needed ... it was a nice escape from the reality of life with cancer, as difficult as it was to try to forget.  Now, though, it's over ... and it's time to really dig in and fight back!  In just a few days, I will be heading to Emory for my first infusion ... and I'm scared, but looking forward to taking that first BIG step toward the end of this nightmare!

I'm praying for peace, for healing, and for happiness ... please, please pray with me!