As I reflect on this past week ... I think of the many thoughts that crossed my mind, over and over again ... the fears that I couldn't escape, even sitting with my feet in the sand and the waves crashing in front of me ...
Here they are, in no particular order ...
1. Treatment and side effects ... feeling sick and being bald, among others ...
2. Embarrassing Maddie ... and Andrew ...
3. Dying ...
4. Dying and Scott loving someone else ...
5. My children being raised by another woman ...
6. Missing the opportunity to raise my children and watch them grow ... sports, proms, weddings, grandchildren ... all the things I have wanted to be a part of more than anything in life ...
7. My children growing up without a mom and my husband without a wife ... and the memory of me fading over time ...
8. Never growing old with Scott, on the lake ...
9. My parents being childless ...
10. Living in fear ...
11. Never finding true happiness again ...
12. Being forgotten ...
This list could go on forever ...
I do realize that my chances of beating this are good, but it simply isn't enough to suppress my fears. I wish it were ... more than anything ... I wish I knew how to focus on the positive, every day! I am trying ... with everything that I am ...
What I do know, in my heart, is that fear and faith cannot coexist ... I remind myself each and every day. I am putting my faith in God and praying that He can bring me the strength I need to lock these terrible thoughts away ... forever!
This past week was much needed ... it was a nice escape from the reality of life with cancer, as difficult as it was to try to forget. Now, though, it's over ... and it's time to really dig in and fight back! In just a few days, I will be heading to Emory for my first infusion ... and I'm scared, but looking forward to taking that first BIG step toward the end of this nightmare!
I'm praying for peace, for healing, and for happiness ... please, please pray with me!
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Friday, September 16, 2011
Rainbows
This quote came in a beautiful card that I received today ...
In a perfect world,
everything would always go right.
There would be no disappointments or trials,
and life would be filled with only
sweet, warm, and fuzzy feelings.
But how would we know
if things were good if we had no comparison?
Would we recognize the blessings in our lives
without having their opposites to compare them to?
Without the darkness,
would we appreciate light?
Seems to me if we want rainbows,
we gotta have rain.
The trick is to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps
and go out and look for puddles to play in;
recognize the tempest for what it is
and train ourselves to look for the good
in every situation.
By overcoming adversity,
we find joy in everything.
So go on, go play in the rain!
-Suzy Toronto
-Suzy Toronto
Through this journey, I pray that I can find the strength to play in rain ... and, when I look back years from now, I can proudly say ... I SURVIVED ... and my life is richer because of it!
Thank you Terry, Mel, and Tim for the beautiful card and the box full of PINK goodies! I am truly blessed!
Feeling Excitement
Tomorrow, we are headed for Destin, Florida ... a week at the beach is MUCH needed for me and my family! And, I am actually excited ... what a great feeling! Now that the rash has subsided quite a bit and I am feeling good about my treatment, I am more relaxed than I have been in a very long time!
It's amazing what a difference a day makes ...
It's amazing what a difference a day makes ...
Here's to a wonderful vacation, making memories, and a break from it all ...
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Shrinkage
This morning, we saw Dr. O'Regan and Kate for my regularly scheduled appointment. It was short and sweet ...
Dr. O'Regan took a glance at my wonderful rash and confirmed that a break from treatment is certainly the best decision. Since we will be on vacation next week, she recommended that I call on Tuesday to report the status of my rash ... and send a photo for their study records. Assuming it is under control, I will restart Sorafenib at half the dosage ... just one in the morning and one at night. This, we have been assured, will not affect the outcome of treatment.
Obviously, this rash has been just CRAZY ... but, I think the medication is working. Although there is no radiological confirmation, it feels smaller now than it did just two weeks ago ... yes, you heard correctly ... I feel SHRINKAGE! And, I am not alone ... Dr. O'Regan, Kate, and Scott all agree ... it appears to be responding to the treatment!
In a little less than two weeks, I will have a second PET scan to evaluate the tumor and the effectiveness of Sorafenib thus far. Until then, I will continue to pray for SHRINKAGE ... and the strength and courage to endure these next few months ... please pray with me!
Dr. O'Regan took a glance at my wonderful rash and confirmed that a break from treatment is certainly the best decision. Since we will be on vacation next week, she recommended that I call on Tuesday to report the status of my rash ... and send a photo for their study records. Assuming it is under control, I will restart Sorafenib at half the dosage ... just one in the morning and one at night. This, we have been assured, will not affect the outcome of treatment.
Obviously, this rash has been just CRAZY ... but, I think the medication is working. Although there is no radiological confirmation, it feels smaller now than it did just two weeks ago ... yes, you heard correctly ... I feel SHRINKAGE! And, I am not alone ... Dr. O'Regan, Kate, and Scott all agree ... it appears to be responding to the treatment!
In a little less than two weeks, I will have a second PET scan to evaluate the tumor and the effectiveness of Sorafenib thus far. Until then, I will continue to pray for SHRINKAGE ... and the strength and courage to endure these next few months ... please pray with me!
Confession
The moment I have been dreading for many, many weeks is finally behind me ... I have officially confessed to the kids and they now know about my diagnosis. To be honest, I feel so much better knowing that there are no more secrets in our house ... and we are ready to fight this as a team!
The conversation was interesting and here is how the story goes ...
Scott and I arrived home from my appointment and, of course, Maddie was especially curious about where we had been. I took the opportunity to tell her ... and Andrew. The four of us sat down together and I explained it, in these words ....
"As you know, I had an appointment with the doctor today. They have found a small lump inside my body that shouldn't be there ... it's called breast cancer. In order to get it out, I will have to take some medicine that might make me feel badly or make me tired. There might be times when I won't be able to help with your homework or cook dinner. And, at some point, my hair will probably fall out."
At this point, Andrew had already lost interest and was driving his firetruck around while it made loud siren-like noises. Maddie, on the other hand, broke into tears and said ... "That's going to be so embarrassing!" My thoughts ... ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!! But the tears continued and I realized it was a genuine concern ... she is only seven years old and is fearful of what her friends will think of her if I'm bald. In her words ... "Only boys can be bald!"
So, while I was thrilled that she wasn't completely freaked out about the actual diagnosis, I was really caught off-guard. As she continued to cry, I picked her up and tried to help her understand that it is only for a little while ... then my hair will grow back, I will feel better, and the lump will be all gone! For the moment, my words were not of much help. We finally sent her up to take a shower and calm herself down... and she did just that!
Afterwards, Scott spent some time talking with her. He explained that this is not something Mommy is choosing to do ... and, of course, I would never want to embarrass her. At that point, Maddie asked a great question ... what will happen if Mommy doesn't take the medicine? Scott explained that I will get very sick ... and that is why it is so important to follow the doctor's orders. She agreed ... with a smile.
A few minutes later, while Maddie was brushing her teeth, I shared a story about another "mommy" that was bald and how she had her son write the grocery list on her hairless head ... and read it at the store! She laughed .... and then she dropped a BOMB ... "Mommy, you have to write I 'heart' JB (I love Justin Bieber) on your head and walk around with it" ... and she laughed loudly! I agreed ... and so we have a deal!
Overall, I think it went quite well. I can imagine that this kind of information is difficult for a seven-year-old to understand and I am proud of her for doing the best she could with it ...
Many years from now, I hope that my children will understand that they are THE reason I am fighting this fight ... they mean more to me than anything in the world and I want them to be proud of the way I handle this amazingly difficult time in my life. Maybe, my strength will serve as an example ... that alone would make it all worth it in the end!
The conversation was interesting and here is how the story goes ...
Scott and I arrived home from my appointment and, of course, Maddie was especially curious about where we had been. I took the opportunity to tell her ... and Andrew. The four of us sat down together and I explained it, in these words ....
"As you know, I had an appointment with the doctor today. They have found a small lump inside my body that shouldn't be there ... it's called breast cancer. In order to get it out, I will have to take some medicine that might make me feel badly or make me tired. There might be times when I won't be able to help with your homework or cook dinner. And, at some point, my hair will probably fall out."
At this point, Andrew had already lost interest and was driving his firetruck around while it made loud siren-like noises. Maddie, on the other hand, broke into tears and said ... "That's going to be so embarrassing!" My thoughts ... ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!! But the tears continued and I realized it was a genuine concern ... she is only seven years old and is fearful of what her friends will think of her if I'm bald. In her words ... "Only boys can be bald!"
So, while I was thrilled that she wasn't completely freaked out about the actual diagnosis, I was really caught off-guard. As she continued to cry, I picked her up and tried to help her understand that it is only for a little while ... then my hair will grow back, I will feel better, and the lump will be all gone! For the moment, my words were not of much help. We finally sent her up to take a shower and calm herself down... and she did just that!
Afterwards, Scott spent some time talking with her. He explained that this is not something Mommy is choosing to do ... and, of course, I would never want to embarrass her. At that point, Maddie asked a great question ... what will happen if Mommy doesn't take the medicine? Scott explained that I will get very sick ... and that is why it is so important to follow the doctor's orders. She agreed ... with a smile.
A few minutes later, while Maddie was brushing her teeth, I shared a story about another "mommy" that was bald and how she had her son write the grocery list on her hairless head ... and read it at the store! She laughed .... and then she dropped a BOMB ... "Mommy, you have to write I 'heart' JB (I love Justin Bieber) on your head and walk around with it" ... and she laughed loudly! I agreed ... and so we have a deal!
Overall, I think it went quite well. I can imagine that this kind of information is difficult for a seven-year-old to understand and I am proud of her for doing the best she could with it ...
Many years from now, I hope that my children will understand that they are THE reason I am fighting this fight ... they mean more to me than anything in the world and I want them to be proud of the way I handle this amazingly difficult time in my life. Maybe, my strength will serve as an example ... that alone would make it all worth it in the end!
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Steroids
Well, this morning the rash was worse ... quite a bit worse ... so bad, in fact, that the deep red color within the red patches was turning purple ... and painful. So, I was ordered to head to Emory for an appointment with Kate, my oncology nurse.
It only took Kate a moment to recognize the severity of it. Since my doctor is not in the office on Wednesdays, she asked the head of oncology to come in for a peek. And, the recommendation ... stop Sorafenib, take oral steroids, and give the rash time to heal.
Once the rash subsides, I will continue taking Sorafenib ... just a lower dose. Apparently, these side effects are very common and adjustments to the dosage are necessary in most cases. They are confident that I will be able to tolerate a lower dose ... and, more importantly, I have been assured that this break will not affect the outcome of treatment.
Tomorrow, we are headed back to the hospital to see Dr. O'Regan. Hopefully, we will have our questions answered and will be back on the path to CANCER-FREE before we know it!
Thank you all for your prayers ... they are working ... relief is coming soon!
It only took Kate a moment to recognize the severity of it. Since my doctor is not in the office on Wednesdays, she asked the head of oncology to come in for a peek. And, the recommendation ... stop Sorafenib, take oral steroids, and give the rash time to heal.
Once the rash subsides, I will continue taking Sorafenib ... just a lower dose. Apparently, these side effects are very common and adjustments to the dosage are necessary in most cases. They are confident that I will be able to tolerate a lower dose ... and, more importantly, I have been assured that this break will not affect the outcome of treatment.
Tomorrow, we are headed back to the hospital to see Dr. O'Regan. Hopefully, we will have our questions answered and will be back on the path to CANCER-FREE before we know it!
Thank you all for your prayers ... they are working ... relief is coming soon!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Patches Not Spots
There are just no words ... and this isn't the worst of it ...
This is ALL OVER MY BODY and itching like crazy! If this is any indication of my tolerance for side effects ... it is not only going to be a long road, but an amazingly difficult one, too!
For whatever reason, this day has been the most difficult one since the start of my medication. I suppose the realization of this experience is really setting in ... cancer SUCKS! Hopefully, my body will begin to adjust and this irritating rash will subside ... at least a little. On Thursday, I will see my oncologist for a "side effect check" ... boy, do I have some words for her ...
Until then, I need my prayer warriors on high alert ... please pray that this journey will bring with it the greatest reward ... a long, happy, CANCER-FREE life!
This is ALL OVER MY BODY and itching like crazy! If this is any indication of my tolerance for side effects ... it is not only going to be a long road, but an amazingly difficult one, too!
For whatever reason, this day has been the most difficult one since the start of my medication. I suppose the realization of this experience is really setting in ... cancer SUCKS! Hopefully, my body will begin to adjust and this irritating rash will subside ... at least a little. On Thursday, I will see my oncologist for a "side effect check" ... boy, do I have some words for her ...
Until then, I need my prayer warriors on high alert ... please pray that this journey will bring with it the greatest reward ... a long, happy, CANCER-FREE life!
Silence
As I have said so many times over the past few weeks ... I cannot thank each of you enough for the love and support you have given me and my family. I have received so many amazingly thoughtful cards, emails, and gifts.
Typically, I return phone calls ... I love to talk ... and I always take the time to write thank you cards. For some reason, I just haven't ... I find, often times, that silence is just what I need ... and all I can bear. So, please know that all of the wonderful things you all have said and done have certainly not gone unnoticed. Actually, they are what keep me going each day. I am so very blessed to have each of you in my life ...
Thank you, thank you, thank you ... from the bottom of my heart ...
Typically, I return phone calls ... I love to talk ... and I always take the time to write thank you cards. For some reason, I just haven't ... I find, often times, that silence is just what I need ... and all I can bear. So, please know that all of the wonderful things you all have said and done have certainly not gone unnoticed. Actually, they are what keep me going each day. I am so very blessed to have each of you in my life ...
Thank you, thank you, thank you ... from the bottom of my heart ...
Monday, September 12, 2011
Spots
Well, today has been a little overwhelming. As my initial phase of treatment, I have been taking Sorafenib orally for almost two weeks. And, for some reason, I thought I was in the clear as far as significant side effects are concerned ... boy, was I wrong! Last night, I noticed the beginning of a rash on the tops of my legs ... and this morning ... it is EVERYWHERE!
I realize that this should bring with it a bit of relief ... I now know that the medication is in my system and is working. But, I am actually feeling angry ... and frustrated ...
I am 34 years old and should be enjoying the greatest time of my life. Instead, I am fighting a disease that I didn't ask for ... don't want ... and don't deserve. Of course, as I expected, there will be good days and bad along the way ... I will not give up, though ... no matter what!
Here's to embracing my spots ... my numb tongue, tender scalp, sore feet ... and all of the other side effects in the future!
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Remembering 9/11
This day, 10 years ago, was like no other ... a day of enormous loss and a day that changed American history forever. As I look back on that day, I feel such sadness for the victims and their families. These brave men, women, and children were never given an opportunity to fight ...
Today, more than ever, I realize how very fortunate I am. Although I have a long road ahead, at least I have the opportunity to fight ... and to survive ...
Here's to the nearly 3,000 people that lost their lives that day ... and to their families and friends.
Today, more than ever, I realize how very fortunate I am. Although I have a long road ahead, at least I have the opportunity to fight ... and to survive ...
Here's to the nearly 3,000 people that lost their lives that day ... and to their families and friends.
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