Tiny Ta-Tas

As I woke up this morning, I gave great thanks to God for blessing me with such "tiny ta-tas" ...

Throughout my adult life, I have always wished for just a little more on top, but today I couldn't be happier with what God gave me ...

I found this lump and I found it early ... it has not had the opportunity to spread ... and I am so amazingly grateful for that!  Triple-negative breast cancer is an aggressive cancer and if I had "big ta-tas" ... things may be very different!

Here's to an A cup ... and a GREAT day ...

Enormous Relief

Just about an hour ago, I received the results from my PET scan ... and my prayers were answered!  Aside from the small tumor in my breast, there is NO CANCER anywhere else in my body ... including my lymph nodes!  What an ENORMOUS relief!

My final appointment prior to the start of treatment has been moved to Thursday.  I will have my echocardiogram, the last of the preliminary tests, and will be administered my medication.  Then, I will be putting on my PRINCESS WARRIOR hat and beginning the fight of my life ... and you better believe, I WILL COME OUT ON TOP!  

Preliminaries

Today was a very long day ...

First and foremost, I chose the trial ... so with that comes several preliminary tests ...

We headed to Emory this morning for a PET scan, an echocardiogram, and an EKG. We arrived around 10:30 and waited ... and waited ... and waited! Finally, we were able to see Dr. Zelnak, one of the head doctors of the trial ... our doctor is on a well-deserved vacation. Although it was very difficult, the paperwork is signed and I am comfortable with my decision.

Next, it was time for the PET scan ... and we waited ... and waited ... and waited! Once we got the test underway, more than an hour after our appointment time, I was given a nasty drink and an injection of a radioactive isotope. Then, we had to wait ... again ... for over an hour before the scan! Once I was on the table, it only took about 30 minutes and wasn't bad at all ... thank goodness!

Next, I was supposed to have an echocardiogram. Well, it was 4:30 and the test takes about 45 minutes. So, of course, we couldn't have it done ... apparently the clock comes to a screeching halt at 5:00, cancer or not ... very frustrating!

Luckily, there were a few hard workers on site and I was able to have a required EKG and baseline bloodwork done.

Overall, it was a successful day ... now I am praying for GREAT results! Assuming all is well, I will have the echocardiogram done on Wednesday and will be ready to begin my oral medication on Thursday ...

As scared as I am, I'm ready to fight and I know, deep down in my heart, I can do this and I will come out on top ... CANCER-FREE!

Seeking Serenity

At this point, I would give ANYTHING for some serenity ...

Today, this is my prayer ...

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,

and wisdom to know the difference.

Forced Smiles

Until now, one of my favorite things to do was laugh ... and laugh hard!  I have even been known to hang upside down on my bed and force a laugh or two ... until I am laughing so hard I can barely breathe ...

Now, not only can I not find the strength to laugh, I don't even really want to smile.  Each day, I am faced with the normal, day-to-day things ... and I am struggling to find the joy in them.  More than anything, I want to WANT to go and do ... and smile ...

Through the forced smiles, time is passing ... and with time will come healing.  So, although this phase of the journey is difficult, I know it is not permanent.  And, when I add SURVIVOR to my list of life's accomplishments ... you will see the REAL me again and a SMILE larger than life!

Thank you ALL for accepting my forced smiles and doing everything you can to bring a little joy to my days!

Speechless

It is not often that I find myself speechless, but today is one of those days!  There are so many thoughts running through my head and I can't find the words to express them ...

So, I have decided to leave the lyrics to a song that my wonderful brother-in-law has suggested I sing each time I find myself with my "head in the gutter" ...

Three Little Birds

Bob Marley

"Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', ("This is my message to you-ou-ou:")

Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', "This is my message to you-ou-ou:"

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, worry about a thing, oh!
Every little thing gonna be all right. Don't worry!"
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing" - I won't worry!
"'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right" - I won't worry!
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, oh no!
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!

Here's to hoping that everything IS going to be all right ...

Facing Fear

Fear ... I think that is what has shaped this day ... the fear of the unknown.  There is nothing easy about fighting cancer ... emotionally or physically ... and today, I let fear get the best of me.

This is my first, and hopefully last, experience with a life-threatening disease and, to be honest, it is REALLY scary and amazingly overwhelming.  Often, my days are filled with terrifying thoughts and unpleasant visions of the future.  I honestly make every attempt to clear my mind of the negativity, but it is difficult at times.

I am sure this will not be the last of days like these, but I pray that as I progress through this journey and face my fears, I will continue to gain courage and strength.  And soon, these visions WILL become a thing of the past and I will be blessed with a future brighter than anything I could have ever imagined ...

Here's to a better day tomorrow ...

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face ... You must do the thing you think you cannot do." 
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Strong Enough

Truthfully, I am not sure what changed between yesterday and today.  Yesterday, I wrote about acceptance ... wishful thinking, I guess.  More than anything, I want to accept the fact that I have cancer.  But, today, that feeling of strength and confidence is gone and the tears have returned.  

What I know, without a doubt, is that I am not alone in this journey.  I am surrounded by family and friends ... and when I feel that I am not strong enough, I find myself looking to God.  I realize that there will be good days and bad along the way, but I have never been more secure in my faith ... and I know He will see me through this ... 

Thank you, Elizabeth, for sending me this video ... at just the right moment ...

Strong Enough - Matthew West

Acceptance

Today I am feeling a little strange ... I can't really explain it ... I think I am beginning to accept the turn my life has taken.  Cancer changes lives and it has certainly changed mine. At first, I really wasn't sure if I could handle this journey, but am now feeling stronger and more confident than ever ... I know I can do this, as difficult as it may be, and I will come out on top ... a SURVIVOR!

"Man performs and engenders so much more than he can or should have to bear.  That's how he finds that he can bear anything."
-William Faulkner

Information Overload

WHAT A DAY!  What a GREAT day in so many ways!  I am FINALLY on my way to beginning treatment and it feels SO good!

We spent nearly three hours at Emory with Dr. O'Regan, my medical oncologist, and her nurse practitioner, Kate ... two amazing people!  Here is what we learned, in a nutshell ...

1.  As I expected, Dr. O'Regan recommended that I have neoadjuvant chemotherapy.  I will receive 8 rounds of chemotherapy, each about 2 weeks apart.  The day after the chemotherapy is administered, I will receive an injection to give my blood count a "boost" and decrease the risk of infection.

2.  At the conclusion of chemotherapy, I will have surgery.  At this point, I have not decided exactly what type of surgery I will have.  Without a doubt, I will have a unilateral mastectomy ... and perhaps a bilateral mastectomy.  This decision will come closer to the time of surgery.

3.  I am a candidate for a clinical trial offered at Emory.  This trial, for women with triple-negative breast cancer, utilizes oral medication prior to and during chemotherapy as well as a variation in the drugs used during the intravenous infusion.  There is so much information regarding this option ... I will explain in further detail should we decide to take this route.  

Whatever we decide, I will begin treatment next week.  There are a couple of preliminary tests that have to be completed to ensure that I am fully prepared physically, but I am more than ready to go emotionally ...

Although we are on information overload, I feel GREAT about what we have learned ... and prepared to make the very best decision regarding my treatment.  Thank you all so much for your prayers ... they are working!  I am beginning to find at least a little bit of peace and, for the first time since my diagnosis, I have made it through an entire day without tears ... I can't tell you how GREAT that feels!

Now, let's hope that with this relief will come a good night's sleep ... I REALLY need it!