Paralyzed

It's been almost a week since I have had the desire to write.  Although I am very much looking forward to the end of treatment, I can't help but feel paralyzed by fear ... fear of the cancer returning and taking from me everything that I love ... and the amazing life I have ...

No matter where I go or what I do, cancer follows me ... it's constantly on television, on the radio, in the news, on the Internet, and this week ... at the nail salon.  On Tuesday, I went for a manicure and pedicure ... in hopes of cleaning up my disgusting hands and feet and, more importantly, to relax my mind and body.  Well, instead, I had the privilege of hearing a heart wrenching story about a five-year survivor whose breast cancer has returned ... and she is not expected to live more than a few short weeks.  I will spare you the horrific details ... 

I truly worry that I will never be able to move forward from this experience ... that I will be forever paralyzed by fear.  So, obviously, I'm scared.  I am trying, with everything that I am, to stay positive, but ... to be honest ... I am SO TIRED of cancer filling my every thought.  And, NOTHING about cancer is positive ... it just plain SUCKS!

So, tonight ... please say a prayer for me and my precious family ... and, more importantly, for everyone who has fought this physically and emotionally exhausting battle ...

Here's to hoping for a more uplifting post tomorrow ...

Seven Down ... ONE To Go

In just two weeks from tonight, I will be finished with the first portion of my cancer treatment, chemotherapy ... FINISHED ... I just can't believe I have come this far ...

Overall, today went quite well!  We arrived a few minutes late ... Atlanta traffic can be a little unpredictable at times!  Before having my blood drawn, I ran the stairs again ... I wanted to ensure that I would receive treatment.  It worked ... my counts were about 3,000 points higher than last time.  Of course, the Neulasta injection obviously had a great effect as well!  Next came my routine appointment with Dr. O'Regan.  Well, I had an slight emotional breakdown ... which has been the norm lately.  For me, it is very unusual, though.  As I have said before, I am not overly emotional and it takes quite a bit to make me cry.  Coming to the end of chemotherapy is, in many ways, bitter sweet.  Obviously, I am THRILLED to be so close to the finish line, but am also fearful of what the future holds. I want, more than anything, to put this behind me and move forward, cancer-free, for the rest of my life.  Hopefully, the pathology report at the time of surgery will provide some reassurance ...

For now, I have made a promise to myself to stay OFF the Internet and focus, as much as possible, on the GREAT chance I have to beat this ... forever ...

So, thankfully ... ROUND 7 ... DONE ...

As I sit here writing tonight, I am enjoying my Corona ... as usual ... 

ONLY ONE LEFT ...

As you probably remember, this has been my routine from the very beginning ... in hopes of curbing the potentially terrible side-effects from these harsh drugs.  Well, I must admit ... for me, it has ABSOLUTELY worked!  Overall, I have felt quite well.  Most recently, with the change from Cisplatin to Taxol, I have noticed a significant difference.  Although my hair is thinning rather quickly, I feel more able to carry on with my daily life than I did previously.  Luckily, the Neulasta injection caused only a small amout of bone pain that was easily masked by Advil.  So, I anticipate a similar experience in the next few days ...

As always, THANK YOU all for EVERYTHING!  Your prayers are greatly appreciated ... God is listening and He is GREAT ...

Here's to making the last turn of the race and to reaching the finish line in just 14 days ...

Mastectomy

It's official ... my initial surgery is scheduled ... I will have a double mastectomy and begin the process of reconstruction on Friday, March 2, 2012 ...

At the time of surgery, I will have all of my breast tissue removed and will have a temporary expander placed in each breast.  Each expander is equipped with a port.  After recovery from surgery, approximately every 2 weeks, I will visit my plastic surgeon, who will add fluid to each of the tissue expanders.  Once I reach my desired breast size, a final 10% of additional fluid will be added and I will wait approximately 4 weeks until my FINAL surgery.  At that time, the permanent implant will be placed ...

Although I am not looking forward to the surgery itself ... I know the day of surgery marks my first official CANCER-FREE day ... and nearly the end of this incredibly difficult journey.

Of course, I am most anxious about the pathology report that will be delivered a few days after surgery.  This report will give us ALL of the details regarding the remaining cancer, if any, found in my breast tissue and/or lymph nodes.  At this point, I am praying for the best possible outcome ... a complete pathological response.  Although it isn't likely, it doesn't hurt to dream ... right?

So, PLEASE continue to pray ... for success in my final two treatments AND surgery ...

Bended Knee

As I approach the finish line, I am becoming more and more nervous ... really quite scared. For months, I have been undergoing treatment and, in doing so, have felt strangely safe ... protected by the medication.  In a little more than two weeks, I will be finished with chemotherapy ... preparing for surgery ... and praying, on bended knee, that I remain a survivor and that I NEVER have to experience cancer again!

So, PLEASE, PLEASE continue to pray for me ... for my family ... as much as possible ...

God IS listening ...

Hats

Well ... I am sure you are all curious ... am I BALD yet?  Nope ... not completely ... and I don't have the heart to cut what little IS remaining ...

Obviously, it is REALLY thin ... and not very attractive.  But, throw on a hat and it's really not too noticeable.  Of course, I have two treatments remaining ... so, more than likely, there won't be much left by the time I reach the finish line.  For now, though ... bring on the HATS ...

This detail of my journey has been one of the most difficult for me ... I HATE looking sick ... and as my hair thins, I can't help but see a cancer patient in my reflection.  YUCK!  Very soon, I will be on the other side of chemotherapy and can look forward to sporting a REALLY cute pixie cut ...

Here's to hats ...

Dr. Barber

Well, today I am pleased to be writing ... yesterday would have been a different story ...

Yesterday morning, Scott and I met with Dr. Carlson at Emory.  He is a surgical oncologist as well as a plastic surgeon.  We have seen him once before ... shortly after my diagnosis. Our first impression was wonderful ... I was extremely happy with the encouragement he gave me at our first meeting and was very much looking forward to talking with him again.  Well, the appointment didn't go so well ...

Perhaps it was just a VERY busy day in the office.  Perhaps the scheduling was done incorrectly.  Perhaps we should have been more specific when making the appointment. Either way ... we were able to spend a WHOPPING 10 minutes with Dr. Carlson ... 10 MINUTES!  I am planning a surgery to remove CANCER from my body, eliminate ALL of my breast tissue, and reconstruct brand new boobs ... and I get 10 MINUTES ... what a COMPLETE joke!

Apparently, Dr. Carlson had a prior speaking engagement and very limited time to meet with his patients.  Of course, this was never mentioned at the time of scheduling.  And, because we've met with him previously, we were only given a 15 minutes time slot ... WHATEVER!  So, needless to say, I left Emory yesterday feeling VERY frustrated ... and a little defeated!

Well, today was a COMPLETELY different story ...

This afternoon, we had the pleasure of meeting Dr. Barber at Piedmont Hospital.  He is a breast surgeon who specializes in the treatment of breast cancer.  For starters, our appointment was scheduled for 3:00 ... and we were just a few minutes early.  We completed the necessary paperwork, briefly met with the nurse, and were speaking with Dr. Barber before 3:15.  We left his office at 5:45 ...

Honestly, I could not have asked for a better afternoon ...

Dr. Barber was extremely thorough.  He explained ALL of the surgical options, his recommendations, and answered EVERY one of our questions ... with patience, compassion, and expertise.  AND ... before he walked us out ... we were given his personal cell phone number should any questions arise in the future.

Keep in mind, both of these doctors were highly recommended to us by my medical oncologist, Dr. O'Regan.  So, for me, today sealed the deal ... Dr. Barber will be my surgeon ... and I feel GREAT about my decision!

Here's to March 2nd ... SURGERY DAY!

Neulasta

OOPS ... I forgot to mention a small piece of news I received today ...

As a result of my low blood counts this week, I will need an injection 24 hours after my infusions ... from this point on.  Neulasta works to reduce the risk of infection by boosting the production of white blood cells.  Most importantly, it should allow me to stay on my current treatment schedule ... finishing on February 2nd ...

The negative ... this medication can cause intense bone and muscle pain.  It has been described to me in several different ways ... "It's like getting run over by a truck!" ... "You will feel like you have a terrible case of the flu!"  FUN!  Of course, there are thousands of women who have little or no side-effects from the injection ...

So, I will take Advil or Tylenol and pray for the very best!

Here's to being hopeful ...

Six Down ... Two To Go

WHEW ... today was REALLY long and I am thankful it is finally over ...

As usual, we arrived at Emory for the usual blood work and an appointment with Dr. O'Regan.  Since we haven't seen her since my ultrasound in December, we discussed the results ... and, of course, she is VERY pleased.  She used the term "clinical complete response" ... and it was like music to my ears!!!  We were reminded, as I expected, that there may still be cancer cells present that are not detectable through even the very best imaging ... BUT, Dr. O'Regan is extremely happy with my response to treatment and seems hopeful that we will get to surgery with GREAT results from chemotherapy ...

After the appointment, I was feeling quite good.  We headed to the infusion lab for my treatment and then everything came to a screeching halt.  Although I don't completely understand the details, my blood counts were too low to receive the medication ... 990 ... and they needed to be at least 1000.  They offered to redraw the blood to check for changes.  At that point, I was encouraged to run ... so I ran 8 flights of stairs ... had my blood redrawn ... and ... IT WORKED!  The counts went from 990 to 1292.  It was quite strange, but who cares ... we were off to treatment ...

Although we started much later than I would have liked, the beginning of the process went much more smoothly this time.  I was given Benedryl orally rather than intravenously ... better ... a lot BETTER.  First of all, I didn't feel quite as strange ... just a little tired.  And, again, no reaction to the medication ... YEAH! Finally, after a three hour infusion ... I am one step closer to the finish line ...

Round 6 ... DONE ...

As always, I am thankful to be home, relaxing with my Corona ...

JUST TWO MORE ...

Thank you ... thank you ... thank you ... I am so very blessed to have each of you in my life.  Your prayers are working, God is listening, and I am one step closer to CANCER-FREE ... what a GREAT day!

Here's to being VERY blessed ...

Survivors

Tonight, as I prepare for tomorrow's treatment, I find myself thinking about the many, many, many people whose lives have been forever changed by cancer ... the many, many, many SURVIVORS that experience this overwhelming journey ...

Just a few hours ago, I had the chance to talk with John, a wonderful man who just received GREAT news ... he is CANCER-FREE after completing treatment for esophageal cancer.  We talked about life with cancer and how much we have been changed by it ...

At the end of our conversation, he mentioned a WONDERFUL song by Matthew West ... Survivors.  Of course, I had to hear it ... and was able to find it on YouTube.  I think it might just be my new favorite song ...

Survivors - Matthew West

With just 29 days until my last treatment and less than two months from surgery ... each day brings me closer to becoming one of the millions of cancer SURVIVORS living life to the fullest!  So, when that time comes ... my car windows will be down and you will hear this song LOUD and CLEAR!

Here's to tomorrow ... another opportunity to fight ... and to being REALLY close to the finish line ...

Keep the prayers coming ... PLEASE ... God is listening ...

Dr. Woods

Today marked the first of many appointments in preparation for surgery.  Over the next few weeks, we will be making decisions and finalizing plans ... I truly can't believe we have come this far ... I am actually looking forward to it!

This afternoon, Scott and I headed to Piedmont Hospital to meet plastic surgeon, Dr. Joseph Woods.  He was AMAZING!  Dr. Woods spent almost two hours educating us, answering questions, and offering opinions.  I feel SO much more prepared to make a decision ... and am confident, with his expertise, the outcome will be BEAUTIFUL!

After listening to the many surgical options, I am almost certain that I will opt for a double mastectomy with reconstruction.  Although it is about a three-month process, I have my WHOLE LIFE ahead of me ... and I don't want to look back and have any regrets.

So, today was a good day ... a great day!  I can really see the light at the end of the tunnel ... and it feels AMAZING!

Thank you all, as always, for your continued prayers.  I truly feel more and more blessed each day ...