As I reflect on this past week ... I think of the many thoughts that crossed my mind, over and over again ... the fears that I couldn't escape, even sitting with my feet in the sand and the waves crashing in front of me ...
Here they are, in no particular order ...
1. Treatment and side effects ... feeling sick and being bald, among others ...
2. Embarrassing Maddie ... and Andrew ...
3. Dying ...
4. Dying and Scott loving someone else ...
5. My children being raised by another woman ...
6. Missing the opportunity to raise my children and watch them grow ... sports, proms, weddings, grandchildren ... all the things I have wanted to be a part of more than anything in life ...
7. My children growing up without a mom and my husband without a wife ... and the memory of me fading over time ...
8. Never growing old with Scott, on the lake ...
9. My parents being childless ...
10. Living in fear ...
11. Never finding true happiness again ...
12. Being forgotten ...
This list could go on forever ...
I do realize that my chances of beating this are good, but it simply isn't enough to suppress my fears. I wish it were ... more than anything ... I wish I knew how to focus on the positive, every day! I am trying ... with everything that I am ...
What I do know, in my heart, is that fear and faith cannot coexist ... I remind myself each and every day. I am putting my faith in God and praying that He can bring me the strength I need to lock these terrible thoughts away ... forever!
This past week was much needed ... it was a nice escape from the reality of life with cancer, as difficult as it was to try to forget. Now, though, it's over ... and it's time to really dig in and fight back! In just a few days, I will be heading to Emory for my first infusion ... and I'm scared, but looking forward to taking that first BIG step toward the end of this nightmare!
I'm praying for peace, for healing, and for happiness ... please, please pray with me!
3 comments:
My beautiful Jill....there is nothing I can say or do to make your fears go away. For that I feel completely helpless. The fears are normal. You have always been a fighter Jill. You have never backed away from a challenge. I know this is a big challenge, but I have absolutely no doubt that you will meet this challenge with great strength and determination just as you have with all the other challenges you have had in your life. I love you more than you could possibly know. I am with you...always.
Mom
My dear Jill, I don't have to tell you that your fears are normal and to be expected. I have them with you, but every day I look deep in my heart and know that they will NOT come to pass. My prayers, and everyone else's WILL be answered. As Granddad always said to me when times were tough, "keep your chin up". I love you so very much.
Dad
My wish for you is that with each passing day you learn to expell those negative thoughts and scenarios from your mind! You have some big challenges, don't zap your energy with negative scenarios, Jill. Always have a positive thought ready to get rid of the negative. It takes practice, with time, you will control it better and spend your thinking time planning for yourself, your family and friends.
Love,
Kelly
Post a Comment